Good news and less good news

Hi folks: Just a quickly update. Went to the doctor today. I do NOT have an infection. My knee is actually healing fairly well. But it was a bit swollen. So he drained it. That was somewhat unpleasant. OK,I screamed. But just a little. Man, that was a big needle (he did use anesthetic, but still).

We made a date to go to the hospital in two weeks to get a manipulation -- unless I'm able to bend to more than 100 degrees. A manipulation basically involves bending the hell out of your knee under anesthetic to "release" the scar tissue. There's no cutting involved, but it's traumatic and requires hospitalization. I can actually feel a place where it's stuck. Like I'm hitting a wall. That would be an "admesion."
It's important to do the manipulation fairly early -- before scar tissue can harden. I've been working hard in physical therapy (yesterday a photographer came to my house to shoot photos for my story and the faces I made said it all.) AND I've been using the CPM machine. But maybe I really am not working hard enough. I think I have been but still. Or maybe my knee just makes lots of scar tissue because it has been doing it for so long that it is good at it. I work it until I cry. I push. And push. But it's not enough. . . And maybe as one friend said, I'm not doing enough. I'm kidding myself. I've lost perspective. Maybe now that it's drained I'll be able to bend more and maybe even pop out that adhesion. I'll call my pain doc in the morning about getting more pain meds so I can push the hell out of it. OK, NOW I'm feeling like an addict :-) But today, when I was totally off the drugs (the hour between doses, the pain was intolerable). . anyhow, I don't feel like writing more about that. enough.

My surgeon (who I really like) also prescribed me neurotin (as suggested by my brother), which is meant for nerve pain. The doctor thinks the surgery "woke up" my nerve that was damaged in my original surgery. I have been thinking the same thing -- that I'm feeling the old nerve pain. This is not necessarily a good waking up. But it might explain the extra pain that I'm having. My nerve is functional, but damaged. And nerve pain hurts. Yeah. Again with the pain. Oy. Like a broken record. I know.

OK, so here's where I want to stress that Dr. Ries said that all in all, my looks good (except for the not bending part) and my prognosis for full recovery is excellent. Did I mention full x-rays today? Trippy to see this metal thing in my knee. . I made him say it a few times. He obliged. He believes it and really, so do I. And yeah, this is part of that positive thinking stuff. Which I believe in. But it's not magic. It's just focusing on the good. Focusing on the possibilities. Anyhow, Dr. Ries even said I could forgo the manipulation, but that in the end it would give me more range of motion. Which will make a big difference in the usage of my knee. . I told him I'm totally invested in this. I mean, whatever it takes to make it right.

Hopefully, like I said, I might be able to bend more with the drain. Right now it hurts, but I added weights to my regimen yesterday and that might help. . . . .

You know, he did warn me that it's a several month process when we started. But I must admit that I'm feeling discouraged. It was very hard getting this news. I just feel like I want to shout out to everyone that I'm all better. I WANT so bad for this to be OVER. . I'm doing everything I can to stay away from the land of regret. We can't go there. And by we, I mean generally we, not the royal we or the schizophrenic we. . . I did this and it's going to work. See? It's just taking a little more time than I thought. And yes, I'm even missing work. But I just can't focus right now on anything but this. Bending. Straightening. Keeping my head up.I know there's a lot of things worse in this world. In fact, my heart today is heavy because a good friend is having a double mastectomy. She pulled through -- from what I can tell. . . I'm feeling a little selfish for being so focused on myself. But I guess that's the only way I'll get better. Maybe I will take on a project. Something to keep my mind off this.. .

I just want to add a BIG thank you to all of you who have stuck around and who visit. It makes so much of a difference. I can't tell you how much. . . I haven't been the best friend or the best patient. And even if I'm not saying thank you, I feel so much gratitude to everyone, especially my favorite readers, mom and dad. Mom and Dad, you've been amazing. YOu've been more generous than I ever could have imagined. I wish there were a way to thank you . But yes, you deserve your own post :-)

I also want to give a BIG Thank you to Diane and Charlie for getting me through this day. Diane now on her way to pick up drugs. Charlie and I are playing Operation. And she's going to cook. So much for feeling sorry for myself.

So I'll keep you posted on when I might go to the hospital, etc. In the meantime pray for a POP. . that means the adhesion is broken. That's what I'm going for. Sionara for now --J