One pill makes you ....

better. So, Cesa ran out and got me some antibiotics (and I took some Tylenol) and my fever went away. I feel much better (but of course, now have one more thing to take -- gotta finish the antibiotics, or "biotics" as Aunt Betty calls them.) I managed to do= some bending and stretching yesterday but not much. So today I will be doing a lot of that stuff. I am on stronger pain meds and as a consequence, am in much less pain. Funny how that works. When I was in the hospital, I kept telling the doctors (there were pain docs; orthopedists; pharmacists etc. checking in all the time) that I just didn't want to go home and be in pain again. This hospital was incredible. MUCH better than St. Mary's. I'll write more later, but they were really there; the care was fantastic. And they listened. The nurses were top-notch; every single one of them was nice. And every single one of them knew their stuff. The longest I had to wait for anyone was 15 minutes -- and that's only because another patient had "coded." I'll write more about my experience later (look for a post called popsicles and death). But the bottom line now is that I can bend MUCH more. I finally feel like I'm where I should be -- on the mend, getting better and working with a great team. Just wanted to update this for those of you reading. . . Now, I'm off to take a shower. Scary, but it's my first one in six days.

Back at home

So, I got released this morning. Cesa came to pick me up in the fancy ass BMW (My reputation will somehow survive).. But then we got home and I was exhausted. I mean EXHAUSTED. And chilled. Went straight to bed. Phone rang and rang and rang. It was like being in a bad dream. Then finally I got "up) at about 4:30 p.m. I was delirious, talking to myself (like I always do but more).. . it struck me then that this is not normal. Took my temp. It's about 102. OK. So why am I sick? The knee is burning hot. Like embers pulled from a fire. Not hyperbole. I mean hot. burning hot. . So I call Carly, the physician assistant. Blessedly, she answers the phone. I had a flue shot but this feels like the flue. But then she asks about bladder infection. Just yesterday I started feeling funky -- my catheter did. I said, hey, you guys need to take this out or I'm going to bet a bladder infection. They didn't take it out for awhile. And I'd bet that's what I have. So Cesa is picking up the anti-biotics. I have cramping, pain, the usual. I know my body pretty well. I hope that's all it is. I made myself take some Tylenol and eat a little bit and now i feel a teensy bit better. I'll know in a few hours if it was a bladder infection. . But pretty sure it was. sorry I'm repeating myself. Did I say I'm running a fever? Otherwise, I'm watching the numbers and if they climb too high, I'll go to the emergency room. AT UC. . Other than that, everything is good. the manipulation was a success and i feel like I'm finally going to have the knee I've dreamed about. prayers still in major order here if you feel like sharing.

Love,
Janet

ps soon i will see all the junk i ordered online. ok. that's scary.

'Things are going well, but...'

Rose beat me to the punch. I just got a voice-mail message from Janet, asking me to post to her blog.

"Things are going well, but no one knows it -- unless they call me,'' she says.

So, call!

Resting happily with chocolate

Hi, this is Rose, Janet's friend. We're on the phone right now. I'm about to bring Janet falafel, a mocha, and chocolate (we can't live without chocolate).

Here's a message from Janet:

Hi everyone,

The procedure went well. I'm still in the hospital bending and straightening. Hopefully, I'll be out by tomorrow or Saturday at the latest. This hospital has provided excellent care and I'm much happier this time around.

I'm only checking email sporadically, so feel free to call. My home # has been forwarded and it's listed in the old fashioned phone book.

Love, Janet

Ready for hospital, stage two

So, in 24 hours, I'll be in a room at UCSF, probably being told to bend, bend bend. . . Tomorrow (Monday) morning I get manipulated. As if. I go to the hospital at 8 a.m. (my sister will be taking care of me). By 11:15 a.m. if all goes according to schedule (but don't count on it) I will be in an operating room, heavily sedated. For my total knee I had a spinal block -- epidural -- plus big time drugs that made me sleep and forget -- but I was NOT under general anesthesia. I plan to avoid general again. I could choose to be totally awake; I did that for several arthroscopies. But I'm feeling like I want to be out this time. I don't think I can stand more trauma right now. So hopefully I'll get a spinal plus drugs. Anyhow, at 11:15 a.m. or so I'll be laying on the table, probably sleeping. The doctor will take my leg and bend it. And he will continue to bend it beyond my ability today. He will lean his weight on it. Do whatever it takes... And the "adhesions" -- new scar tissue -- will break. As in POP. Crack. etc. That's the plan. If I were awake and aware, I would be writhing in pain. I would give up any information you wanted. I would make any promises. It would be more than torture. That's why I won't be awake or feeling anything. . . After the procedure, I go to my room for in-patient therapy. I'll have a spinal block the whole time so I won't feel pain. And for three days, I will be working intensely. Bending. Bending. Bending.

Anyhow, I am feeling a lot better these days. I'm bending more; I have a great physical therapist at UC who I will be seeing after the manipulation. And I'm actually hopeful that this procedure will get things moving. Get me moving. And then I could move on with other things. Like my life.

Anyhow, if you're inclined, I'd appreciate any prayers, good thoughts, gentle vibes.. whatever.

Better go pack for surgery.

I'll try to get updates posted online.

Cheers,

Janet

It's all about knee

Happy Friday to all you working stiffs. I changed the title of the blog today. I decided not to change the address, but I registered a new name just in case. Why the change? Well, I was on the phone with my buddy Oren, and was joking that this blog is all about ME. And he said, ha ha, it's all about KNEE. . And well, I thought it was perfect.

So, a new report. I went to my physical therapist, June at UC (who is the best in spite of the fact that she makes me cry -- OK, maybe because of it). So, all this bending and kvetching I've been doing is apparently paying off. I'm getting to 100 degrees easily. And when I push myself -- really push myself, I can get to 116 or so. That's good. At first June was really opposed to doing the manipulation. She sees the results. But when I told her that there would be no blood letting (just the doc bending the hell out of my knee until the scar tissue breaks) she seemed more positive. Don't get me wrong. It's going to hurt. And it's going to produce even MORE trauma. On the other hand, it might make me feel better because I won't have anything in my way. . . So, it's on. Monday. UC . . . I'll keep ya'll posted. And if you want to visit, I'd love visitors or at least calls. . . I'll be bringing my cellphone to the hospital. I might even forward my home phone. If you want my number, I'll give ya'll a hint: I'm listed. That's right. Very old fashioned. So if you know my last name, you'll be able to call. I'll probably forward my home phone to my cell. If not, I'll leave info on the phone. And if I don't call back right away, please be understanding. I'll be pretty busy with all the bending. Ciao --Janet

PS The picture has no relation to this post, especially since eels have no knees. But I wanted to put it up because I thought it was cool. This was a moray (I believe) eel that I saw on a dive last year on the Kona coast of Hawaii.

out of cookies.. .

Well, I still have the last one. I'm saving it for an emergency. But I'm feeling better. I forced myself to get out of bed, had a good cry (not in that order). . Kali helped. So did my friends who called. I know I've been crabby and moody (same thing, right?) . I know it's just being tired and in pain. Man, that sure does a number on you. I thought I knew about pain before. And still, all this pain just makes me feel sorry for everyone else. I mean, deep down, I know I will be OUT of pain at some point. Even when I don't believe it, I know it. And that makes a HUGE difference. Anyhow, I'll get through this. But those of you who are dealing with me, thanks for being gentle and understanding.

In the cookies

That, by the way, is going to be my new expression for I'm not feeling so hot today. As in, man, I'm in the cookies today. Its origin: me getting in the cookies. Chocolate toffee to be precise. Actually, if I'm going to have an in the cookies kind of day, it might as well be with these because they're probably worth the calories. OK, so we all have in the cookies kind of days. This is another way of saying, yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Well, this affirms what I've strongly suspected: Jesus may have been a Jew, but I must be very far from his line of succession, as I caught no martyrdom genes at all. Sigh. No need to go into details. I guess this is the privilege of having a blog. This is probably one of those posts that I'll regret and blame on drugs or something (even though I'm not really on anything stronger than toffee and chocolate.) But I will say that somehow blogging it makes it a teensy bit better. And I know this mood will pass.
PS. This is a picture of the last cookie -- evidence that I did NOT finish, despite all accusations, the entire bag. Although I suppose I could have taken that earlier. You'll never know for sure.

Manipulation Monday

So, it's going to happen. UCSF. Manipulation. What's that, you ask? Patient (that's me) is put under (probably with a spinal block plus drugs that make you forget and permanently happy). Surgeon takes leg and bends it. He leans his weight onto it. CRACK. Yeah. That's the scar tissue breaking. Then the manipulation is followed by two more days of intensive physical therapy. Will he cut? No. No plans for any cutting. Will this hurt? Yeah. Like hell. As if we knew what hell felt like. It'll hurt. What are the risks? Very, very minsicule risk of something breaking but since the rest of me is in good shape, almost no risk that way. The main risk is that it won't work, or that it will work at first and the scar tissue grows back. So jeez, why do it? I'm at a regular 90 degrees flexion -- maybe 100 to 110 when pushing it. But I can actually FEEL where my knee stops because of scarring. Well, I can't say for sure that it's because of scarring. But I can tell you that something is in the way. Also, there is a high likelihood that it will both hasten my recovery AND give me more flexion overall. So when I'm done, maybe i'll have something like 140. Never thought I'd be fighting for a few degrees. But this is my life now.

Oh and one of the benefits of surgery -- they give you a spinal block for a few days. So I may have something like three pain free days. YAY! I know. Going to the hospital is extreme. I'm not doing it just for the block. But being pain free will be GREAT.

In other news, I just got back from my new bodyworker/accupuncture guy. I will say I really notice the difference. He's doing some massage and I can tell after he's done with me that I can bend more. Who knows? Maybe by Monday I won't need the manipulation at all.

My sister (bless her heart) is coming in to take care of me and to be my bitch. (or maybe it'll be that I'll be hers. . . well, you know what I mean) She'll be the one yelling at the nurses and doctors for meds and all sorts of things. My folks might be back from their trip in time to also be there. I now know to NEVER enter the hospital alone, without an advocate. My co-worker told me all about that and he's absolutely right. Squeeky wheels work. Bitching? Yeah, that's how it's done. Trust me. This is the sister who just had breast reconstruction post mastectomy. So it's a little weird. Breast cancer is a lot more serious than knee stuff. But she's ok and as long as she doesn't lift, she should be ok. It'll be nice to see her.

So if you've been wondering when to call, I'd say now.

Visitors? Yes, I'd love visitors now and in the hospital. I wont' be quite as out of it as I was before -- and I'll be working on bending and stuff. But yes, call first and let me know if you're up for a visit.

--Janet

PS Yes, having a tantrum and crying my eyes out yesterday helped. I never know when the tears are going to come. Sometimes I feel like it's just physical exhaustion. So Beth and others who have been on my recieving end, thanks for being there and not hanging up. It's a mix of feeling sorry for myself and just like I said, a chemical sort of thing.

Photo credit: here

I feel so manipulated...

Well, not yet. But I will soon.

Surgery/manipulation is scheduled for Monday. I have a pre-op appointment Friday -- and physical therapy the day before. It could go either way on Friday. But probably it will happen. I'd like to tell you how diligent I've been about bending every half hour. I was. I was doing it every half hour. Cranking till it hit a nine -- sometimes 10 (often 10) on the pain scale. And then today, I just broke. I don't mean physically. But I just couldn't do it. For a few hours. OK. Maybe more than a few. I'm doing it now. Got my watch out. The one that sounds it's chirpy reminder every 30 minutes. And down I go. On my back knee up. Weight strapped on. Or on my stomach, belt tied to my ankle so I can pull. Or on my knees in fetal position. And I bend. Bend. Feel the stretch. Feel the pain until I can't stand it. Sweat sprouting on my forehead. Sometimes tears. And then the chirp comes again (I've set it up so it goes off after a minute or so) and the same noise that sounded obnoxious and hateful a minute ago, now sounds sweet. A relief. I feel like a waitress getting off a 12 hour shift. Relief. My knee immediately swells. I can feel it getting larger. Strap on the icepack fast. Flip over. Sit. It's over. It's done. Relief. Relax into it. Just relaxing. Just getting into it and then it happens again. Boom. The chirp. I want to kill that f-n chirp. I want it to go away. And flip. I'm doing it again. Yeah, it gets tiring. And yeah, I'm complaining. But it's MY blog and I'm allowed. Right?

Enough. But no. It's never enough. Maybe it's not enough. Am I up to 100?? I don't know. It's stuck. It just feels stuck. . So I skipped some of it today. Does that mean it's my FAULT it's not bending? I don't know. I really don't. I can tell you (all of you) that I really am doing my best. I really am pushing myself as hard as I can. Really, you say? You could do more. OK. Maybe I could. Maybe someone could be holding a gun to my head, maybe if it were life and death. Maybe if I had a little more willpower. If I had a little more of whatever it takes that I should have that I obviously don't have. But I am so tired. Not just the kind of tired you get at the end of a long day or a long week. But tired. Bone tired. Tired from not sleeping. Tired from the pain. Call me a wimp. But do it behind my back because I don't think I could take it. One person in my life said I was being overly affected by the medication. Affected in ways I didn't see. And that may be true. But what really is hitting me -- and hitting me hard -- is the pain and the fatigue. Sometimes the drugs work. And then I relax and I bend. But sometimes they don't. Still, I don't really want more. I don't even want more herbs. I sometimes don't even want to eat. Whoa! Not eat? Janet? It's not that I've lost my appetite. I'm just not as interested in food. I mean, I love food. But sometimes it feels like a chore (unless it's chocolate; at least I have that.) Anyhow, I'll go back to bending. Maybe American Idol will perk me up. That's better than drugs. I don't know why but it makes me happy in a temporary superficial kind of way. Like an umbrella drink on the beach. OK. so, did you catch the news in all that? I'm supposed to have my manipulation Monday.

My new battle: to try to get in to see the doctor BEFORE the manipulation. Yeah, they have me with a pre-op appointment with the hospital (this time UC) but NOT the doctor. That seems rather important. I mean, he said he only wants to do it if I'm still not bending. I do NOT want to go into another operating room as long as I live. Believe me. But if it's going to get me through this in the long run, then yes, I'll go. I'll even try to cop a good attitude. I just hate that I have to fight for every little thing.

So sorry this isn't a cheery little post. Maybe soon. Hopefully.

Image borrowed from this site on Hawaiian pinups. Politically incorrect? Sorry. But it fit.

Every half hour....

So, just a small update. Yes, I'm bending just about every half hour that I'm awake, if you don't count the hours when I should be sleeping but am not. I figure I get a break. It's actually kind of amazing. I'll start at 90 degrees and then push it to over 100. So who knows? maybe it's enough to stave off surgery. BTW, last I heard, that was tentatively set for the 19th. In the meantime, my knee is generating enough heat to run a small power plant. So I'm icing. Lani (massage therapist) gave me this incredible knee massage the other night. We only had a few minutes before Lani, Doris and I went downtown to meet my folks. They were in for the night before jetting off to China in the morning (Saturday) I swear, I'll never be able to keep up with my parents. The massage really helped and she showed me how to do this thing with resistance. I've been practicing and it makes a difference. The dinner was decadent and it was great seeing my parents (who by now are among my only readers). Dad said he was really happy that I was bending more. And it's the first time I've seen a little relaxing of that worried look that crosses his face whenever he looks at my knee (a quick review -- dad's an orthopedist as well as being dad supreme -- did I mention he was reading this? Seriously, I would say this anyhow. Really!) So that made me feel hopeful. And both of my parents said my walking was noticeably better. It's hard to gauge my own improvement so I rely on the judgements of others. I still have big enough bags under my eyes to pack for a month in New York but otherwise, the body seems to be gettig there. I'm doing a lot of weight lifting and working out.

So, I don't feel like it's my place to write about this, but I got some very difficult news about a dear friend who has breast cancer. She just had a double mastectomy and is going to go through radiation and chemo. So those of you know know R, I'm sure you're already sending out prayers or whatever it is that you do. Those of you who don't, you know, if you don't mind, please send out some for her. I haven't known her long, but she's really one of my favorite people. I hope I can drive soon so I can go to her house and bug her. I mean help her. Thankfully, she has an amazing partner. But they'll both need tons of support.

So, that's all for now. I'm going to play with my photos in the next few days and post a few.

Right now, it's either 5:30 a.m, according to my windows xp computer which did, actually, pick up the daylight savings change (and why was THAT front page news? But no news commentary now). I was just playing Internet backgammon. The kitties are asleep at my feet. They're in an embrace. Usually they're tearing each other's fur out. And yes, I know I've become one of THOSE people who treat their cats like kids. But what's the harm in that? OK. I can't resist. I'll upload the photo and publish it. It's been awhile since I've used my own photos.

Bend it Like Beckham

Assuming, of course, that he could bend the hell out of his knee. And yes,I know that's not what they really meant, but it worked for a title. So, just got back from physical therapy.This was my first out patient visit. I almost hesitate to say how it went, as I don't want to get myself or anyone else (you know who you are) riled up. But what the hell. I'm riled. I just have to quickly move on. As in, OK, I'm PISSED and I made a mistake, but I'm moving on.

So, I saw June at UCSF PT. I don't think she'd mind me writing about her. I met June several surgeries ago. I've been through a lot of PTs. I really liked my old one, but June really *is* the best. That also, unfortunately means she hurts the most.

First, she was SHOCKED that I hadn't been in out-patient PT. A young person like you should have been coming in, she said. Man, I would have liked to. I tried. I thought it was my best, but apparently it wasn't. I thought I was pushy, but now I'm finding I wasn't pushy enough. You have to be VERY VERY pushy to get what you need in this system. And doctors wonder why patients are so nasty and angry? Quiet, polite people get screwed. Sorry, but that's just the truth. The meek may inherit the earth, but I don't care about my inheritance. I want it now. I want my knee to be better. And apparently, I should have been screaming my head off, demanding more PT. As it is, I don't think I would have gotten my last PT, Kitty, to come, unless I demanded it. My first PT basically didn't have me do anything. OK, so part of it is my fault for complaining so much about the pain. I am NOT exaggerating the pain. It f'n HURTS. Like nothing else. BUT I'm still willing to inflict more pain if it means a healthy recovery. AS it is, I should be bending a LOT more.

June said that manipulations don't always work. SURPRISE! They are NOT a panacea. I believe June. She's the one who sees the results. She's the one who takes care of people after they've been cut. So, she was tough today. Made me bend it like hell. When i walked in, I got it to about 87 degrees. That's crap. That's nothing. But after about a half hour of therapy, I got it up to 116. So she said later in the appointment, I didn't think you could do it when you walked in, but now I know you can. Doing what? Bending the hell out of my knee. Bending it so I break or loosen the scar tissues on my own. Bending it like Beckham or whomever the hell else has a lousy knee and a replacement. You won't hurt it, she said. You DON'T have arthritis. I have pain but there is NOTHING there to give me arthritis. It is a big hunk of metal in my knee. The old knee is in the trash. I am writing this to reinforce it because I think there are places in my body that do not get it. It's like I have to tell my body, hey, body, you can do it. You do not have arthritis. You have a shiny new joint and damn it, you're going to work it until it works right.

So, yeah, I should have been working it a lot harder right after surgery. So I'm angry. Did I say that already? Yeah. But you get it, right? I should have had people here bending it for me. Something to say, yeah, girl. . . BEND. But I didn't. My friends were right. If I'd had it done at UC and been pumped into THEIR system and not st. Mary's, I think it would have gone a lot differently. As it was, I think I got lost in the shuffle. St. Mary's isn't bad. But when my first guy didn't come, I just sort of got lost. A dangling modifier of a patient that just got hacked off. Until I said, hey, it's me. And no,I'm not really on drugs (just a little). And yes, I realize I'm not making sense.But did I say I was mad? Yeah, I'm getting it out here because after this post, I'm going to let go of the past and move on. Because that's the only way I'm going to get better. It's the only way I'm going to get better. No dwelling. No weeping. Later, I'll reflect on how I might have done things differently. Maybe I would have chosen a doctor who was more available to his patients. When I get in to see him,he's great. He takes his time, explains everything. Gives me top-notch treatment. But try getting in to see him. It's like trying to visit a patient in a Siberian prison camp. And yeah, I'm mad at myself too. I should have pushed myself harder. I thought I was pushing myself. But it wasn't enough.

OK, so my new assignment (see, I'm already moving on) is to bend the hell out of it EVERY half hour for a minute. Before, I was doing these complete mini workouts three times a day. And I am getting stronger. But she's not worried about strong; she's worried about bending. And so am I. I'm strong. I will get stronger. That's the easy part. Bending is the hard part. Do you know how much it hurts to bend my knee? She said push it to a nine (on a 1 to ten pain scale, where 10 is the worst.. . someone tearing off your ear or something really horrible that they do on 24. But I tell myself pain is nothing. Just a state of mind. Jack Bauer, you have nothing on me. Torture me all you want. I'll never give away the nuclear codes. (This is my pep talk to myself. Because bending HURTS). . But it's just a fleeting thing, just a momentary feeling. I can do it. And I need to do it. I need to bend and stretch and I need to BREAK these adhesion's. Because this knee surgery MUST WORK. I will not allow myself to even imagine it not working. Just as I am promising myself to not stay angry long. To let go of the past. I will revisit it, but later. So folks, if you're mad at my doc and the system, good. But we'll rant later (unless you have ways to change it.) Right now I need to go bend the hell out of my knee for a minute. It's 12:30. Every half hour. Every half hour.

PHOTO taken from here

And the days go by

So, my apologies for not posting lately. But frankly, there just hasn't been any news. I'm waiting to hear from my doctor's office about the date for the manipulation -- should I need it.Which I think I should. If I don't do it, I think I'm forgoing extra bend in my knee. Who knew it would be this complicated? Not me. That's for sure. Anyhow, I put in my strong request to be at UCSF and NOT St. Mary's. St. Mary's was fine when I first went in. But after I was there a few days they put me on what I now think of as the Floor of the Forgotten. Basically, in the first few days you're on the acute care floor. Care is the important word here. Because after that you're considered to be long term or something so they dump you on this other floor where you feel lucky to have meals delivered. It's like a long term care floor. I guess the feeling is that if you're acute, you're gonna get better. But if you're long term, who knows? Whatever the reasoning, that's where I had the trouble -- with everything from getting my meds on time to getting them to bring ice (which they generally didn't or did and made it seem like a big favor b/c the ice machine is broke on that floor. Plus there's just a feeling of we don't really care. For the day that I had the transfusion, it was great in that I got to go back up to the 8th floor where you're considered to be a 'real' patient and treated as such. I don't know how it is at UCSF. Maybe the same. But man, I just don't want more of that. Plus, that's where I had the nightmare of the transfusion (I never did post that blog; I might). It seems like so long ago, but it wasn't. Mostly, what I resented was that when I said, hey, I have difficult veins, they didn't believe me. Until three people failed at drawing a line. Four people, eight tries. Yeah, a pin cushion has it better -- they don't try to get anything out of you when you're a pin cushion. OK so if you're wondering why I don['t want to go back into the hospital this is why. See? Usually, you have enough time for these types of memories to fade. But there's been no fading yet. Maybe some of my memories are bleary. Most. I don't remember much of the first few days, except, shaking in pain and feeling stoned out of my mind and trying to explain that no, more morphine wasn't going to make me feel any better, obviously. Just more high. . . But OK, there were some nice people at St. Mary's too. Like the guy who brought me extra dry shampoos so I could "wash" my hair every day. Jesus? I forget his name; it's in my notes. I think I vowed I'd send him a thank you note but I didn't. I think I was filled with so much gratitude every time he brought ice that I wanted to kiss him. I probably did. Not in THAT way. But that just speaks poorly for the institution, no? That I would be that grateful for supplies that were supposed to be common and ordinary.

OK. So back to present. Julie from the office brought burritos tonight. YUM. Thanks Julie. Yesterday Diane took me to Rainbow grocery, which is the hippy natural foods coop. Got a bunch of raw nuts and other healthy snacks, so I don't keep grabbing chocolate. In fact, I gave the remainder of my very, very, delicious chocolate to my acupuncturist. She will put it to good use, no doubt. I just couldn't have it in here without wanting to dive in. I have been so good about weight loss. But now I'm sleeping a little better and regaining my appetite, so I gotta watch it. Janet, watch it. . . So the day before, Doris took me out for a walk. That was Sunday. I think we walked about a mile. Went to the yuppie little market bi-rite and then stopped for a beer on the way home at the Lexington club. I forget sometimes what a hip happening hood I live in. . .I've really not been drinking but I confess,I had a cider. It tasted great.

The day before on Saturday, Donna and Beth kidnapped me and took me down to 24th Street, which was hustling and bustling. It was a beautiful sunny day and the street was filled with lesbians and their babies. That's Noe Valley for you. Definitely a gaybe boom. Seriously, everyone seemed to have a dog or a baby. Or both. Donna ran into an old friend. I was kind of sad I didn't run into anyone I knew, but I got over it. We had a great lunch (am forgetting the name of the place because my memory has been sucking lately) and window shopped. A highlight for me: stopping in MY favorite store: Radio Shack. No kidding. I got a bunch of DVDs so I can burn movies for friends (and myself) off my TIVO, a new headset and batteries. Woo Hoo. . . Walking back, we ran into Doris. How funny. . She had just called to see if someone had kidnapped me and brought me out to be in the sun with the other humans (and canines). I love San Francisco on days like these when the sun is shining and the stores seem enticing and even the dogs seem to be smiling. I know it's all probably terribly politically incorrect and all, but it just feels good. Eveyone's out. Everyone's happy. Everyone's well fed and well-paid on days like these.

Today I didn't do much. I didn't sleep well so I woke up late. I am way behind on calls to friends and emails as well. So if I owe you a call or email, sorry about that.

OK, that's all for now. Guess I said a lot for having nothing to say. As usual. Over and out for now -- Janet


PS for those not familiar, the photo is an ode to the title of this post

Good news and less good news

Hi folks: Just a quickly update. Went to the doctor today. I do NOT have an infection. My knee is actually healing fairly well. But it was a bit swollen. So he drained it. That was somewhat unpleasant. OK,I screamed. But just a little. Man, that was a big needle (he did use anesthetic, but still).

We made a date to go to the hospital in two weeks to get a manipulation -- unless I'm able to bend to more than 100 degrees. A manipulation basically involves bending the hell out of your knee under anesthetic to "release" the scar tissue. There's no cutting involved, but it's traumatic and requires hospitalization. I can actually feel a place where it's stuck. Like I'm hitting a wall. That would be an "admesion."
It's important to do the manipulation fairly early -- before scar tissue can harden. I've been working hard in physical therapy (yesterday a photographer came to my house to shoot photos for my story and the faces I made said it all.) AND I've been using the CPM machine. But maybe I really am not working hard enough. I think I have been but still. Or maybe my knee just makes lots of scar tissue because it has been doing it for so long that it is good at it. I work it until I cry. I push. And push. But it's not enough. . . And maybe as one friend said, I'm not doing enough. I'm kidding myself. I've lost perspective. Maybe now that it's drained I'll be able to bend more and maybe even pop out that adhesion. I'll call my pain doc in the morning about getting more pain meds so I can push the hell out of it. OK, NOW I'm feeling like an addict :-) But today, when I was totally off the drugs (the hour between doses, the pain was intolerable). . anyhow, I don't feel like writing more about that. enough.

My surgeon (who I really like) also prescribed me neurotin (as suggested by my brother), which is meant for nerve pain. The doctor thinks the surgery "woke up" my nerve that was damaged in my original surgery. I have been thinking the same thing -- that I'm feeling the old nerve pain. This is not necessarily a good waking up. But it might explain the extra pain that I'm having. My nerve is functional, but damaged. And nerve pain hurts. Yeah. Again with the pain. Oy. Like a broken record. I know.

OK, so here's where I want to stress that Dr. Ries said that all in all, my looks good (except for the not bending part) and my prognosis for full recovery is excellent. Did I mention full x-rays today? Trippy to see this metal thing in my knee. . I made him say it a few times. He obliged. He believes it and really, so do I. And yeah, this is part of that positive thinking stuff. Which I believe in. But it's not magic. It's just focusing on the good. Focusing on the possibilities. Anyhow, Dr. Ries even said I could forgo the manipulation, but that in the end it would give me more range of motion. Which will make a big difference in the usage of my knee. . I told him I'm totally invested in this. I mean, whatever it takes to make it right.

Hopefully, like I said, I might be able to bend more with the drain. Right now it hurts, but I added weights to my regimen yesterday and that might help. . . . .

You know, he did warn me that it's a several month process when we started. But I must admit that I'm feeling discouraged. It was very hard getting this news. I just feel like I want to shout out to everyone that I'm all better. I WANT so bad for this to be OVER. . I'm doing everything I can to stay away from the land of regret. We can't go there. And by we, I mean generally we, not the royal we or the schizophrenic we. . . I did this and it's going to work. See? It's just taking a little more time than I thought. And yes, I'm even missing work. But I just can't focus right now on anything but this. Bending. Straightening. Keeping my head up.I know there's a lot of things worse in this world. In fact, my heart today is heavy because a good friend is having a double mastectomy. She pulled through -- from what I can tell. . . I'm feeling a little selfish for being so focused on myself. But I guess that's the only way I'll get better. Maybe I will take on a project. Something to keep my mind off this.. .

I just want to add a BIG thank you to all of you who have stuck around and who visit. It makes so much of a difference. I can't tell you how much. . . I haven't been the best friend or the best patient. And even if I'm not saying thank you, I feel so much gratitude to everyone, especially my favorite readers, mom and dad. Mom and Dad, you've been amazing. YOu've been more generous than I ever could have imagined. I wish there were a way to thank you . But yes, you deserve your own post :-)

I also want to give a BIG Thank you to Diane and Charlie for getting me through this day. Diane now on her way to pick up drugs. Charlie and I are playing Operation. And she's going to cook. So much for feeling sorry for myself.

So I'll keep you posted on when I might go to the hospital, etc. In the meantime pray for a POP. . that means the adhesion is broken. That's what I'm going for. Sionara for now --J