Bend it Like Beckham

Assuming, of course, that he could bend the hell out of his knee. And yes,I know that's not what they really meant, but it worked for a title. So, just got back from physical therapy.This was my first out patient visit. I almost hesitate to say how it went, as I don't want to get myself or anyone else (you know who you are) riled up. But what the hell. I'm riled. I just have to quickly move on. As in, OK, I'm PISSED and I made a mistake, but I'm moving on.

So, I saw June at UCSF PT. I don't think she'd mind me writing about her. I met June several surgeries ago. I've been through a lot of PTs. I really liked my old one, but June really *is* the best. That also, unfortunately means she hurts the most.

First, she was SHOCKED that I hadn't been in out-patient PT. A young person like you should have been coming in, she said. Man, I would have liked to. I tried. I thought it was my best, but apparently it wasn't. I thought I was pushy, but now I'm finding I wasn't pushy enough. You have to be VERY VERY pushy to get what you need in this system. And doctors wonder why patients are so nasty and angry? Quiet, polite people get screwed. Sorry, but that's just the truth. The meek may inherit the earth, but I don't care about my inheritance. I want it now. I want my knee to be better. And apparently, I should have been screaming my head off, demanding more PT. As it is, I don't think I would have gotten my last PT, Kitty, to come, unless I demanded it. My first PT basically didn't have me do anything. OK, so part of it is my fault for complaining so much about the pain. I am NOT exaggerating the pain. It f'n HURTS. Like nothing else. BUT I'm still willing to inflict more pain if it means a healthy recovery. AS it is, I should be bending a LOT more.

June said that manipulations don't always work. SURPRISE! They are NOT a panacea. I believe June. She's the one who sees the results. She's the one who takes care of people after they've been cut. So, she was tough today. Made me bend it like hell. When i walked in, I got it to about 87 degrees. That's crap. That's nothing. But after about a half hour of therapy, I got it up to 116. So she said later in the appointment, I didn't think you could do it when you walked in, but now I know you can. Doing what? Bending the hell out of my knee. Bending it so I break or loosen the scar tissues on my own. Bending it like Beckham or whomever the hell else has a lousy knee and a replacement. You won't hurt it, she said. You DON'T have arthritis. I have pain but there is NOTHING there to give me arthritis. It is a big hunk of metal in my knee. The old knee is in the trash. I am writing this to reinforce it because I think there are places in my body that do not get it. It's like I have to tell my body, hey, body, you can do it. You do not have arthritis. You have a shiny new joint and damn it, you're going to work it until it works right.

So, yeah, I should have been working it a lot harder right after surgery. So I'm angry. Did I say that already? Yeah. But you get it, right? I should have had people here bending it for me. Something to say, yeah, girl. . . BEND. But I didn't. My friends were right. If I'd had it done at UC and been pumped into THEIR system and not st. Mary's, I think it would have gone a lot differently. As it was, I think I got lost in the shuffle. St. Mary's isn't bad. But when my first guy didn't come, I just sort of got lost. A dangling modifier of a patient that just got hacked off. Until I said, hey, it's me. And no,I'm not really on drugs (just a little). And yes, I realize I'm not making sense.But did I say I was mad? Yeah, I'm getting it out here because after this post, I'm going to let go of the past and move on. Because that's the only way I'm going to get better. It's the only way I'm going to get better. No dwelling. No weeping. Later, I'll reflect on how I might have done things differently. Maybe I would have chosen a doctor who was more available to his patients. When I get in to see him,he's great. He takes his time, explains everything. Gives me top-notch treatment. But try getting in to see him. It's like trying to visit a patient in a Siberian prison camp. And yeah, I'm mad at myself too. I should have pushed myself harder. I thought I was pushing myself. But it wasn't enough.

OK, so my new assignment (see, I'm already moving on) is to bend the hell out of it EVERY half hour for a minute. Before, I was doing these complete mini workouts three times a day. And I am getting stronger. But she's not worried about strong; she's worried about bending. And so am I. I'm strong. I will get stronger. That's the easy part. Bending is the hard part. Do you know how much it hurts to bend my knee? She said push it to a nine (on a 1 to ten pain scale, where 10 is the worst.. . someone tearing off your ear or something really horrible that they do on 24. But I tell myself pain is nothing. Just a state of mind. Jack Bauer, you have nothing on me. Torture me all you want. I'll never give away the nuclear codes. (This is my pep talk to myself. Because bending HURTS). . But it's just a fleeting thing, just a momentary feeling. I can do it. And I need to do it. I need to bend and stretch and I need to BREAK these adhesion's. Because this knee surgery MUST WORK. I will not allow myself to even imagine it not working. Just as I am promising myself to not stay angry long. To let go of the past. I will revisit it, but later. So folks, if you're mad at my doc and the system, good. But we'll rant later (unless you have ways to change it.) Right now I need to go bend the hell out of my knee for a minute. It's 12:30. Every half hour. Every half hour.

PHOTO taken from here