Wishing I could be cheery

Well, I wrote up some rambling incoherent posts yesterday that I'll post soon. But I know people are looking here (which I appreciate) so while the Percocet is just kicking in, I'll give you a quick update. Mom left her computer here last night for me so it's me writing. The blood transfusion has given me more energy. But I'm also in a lot more pain. I have this weird bruising on the front of my calf so they're going to take an ultra sound. This after two days of complaining. OK, becoming hysterical. Pain can do that. I hate to be a complainer, but the old saw, the squeaky wheel gets the grease has never been truer than when in a hospital. What happens is the drugs wear off and the pain ramps up and gets so extreme that I'll do anything to be out of it. I mean, anything. I wonder if this must be what it feels like to be a drug addict. Except the medicine isn't making me high, per se. It's just bringing me out of pain and putting me into this sort of surrealistic zone where I get to float just a bit. I guess that sounds a lot like being high. It's like it makes the pain this fuzzy picture in the distance. Like, oh, I see it. I know that. What is it? But I don't have to go there to look. It can just stay fuzzy. If only for an hour or two. I wish I could be writing all of you telling you everything is great and I'm so happy I did this and I can't wait to go hiking. I wish I could be that person. But sorry, it's me, and all I can say is that I'm doing my best to not go to the place of regret since it won't do me any good. I keep reminding myself that things were NOT good before. Remember the night I cried as I walked to the restaurant with Cesa and Dawn? It was less than a half mile away? Or the day I walked from home to BART to go to work and by the time I got to work, I was quietly whimpering? Or the days when I thought, I can't deal with bodyboarding any more. It just hurts too much. But there were good days too. And I suppose I could have waited. How long though? A year? Two? Maybe. I just can't go there. I thought long and hard about this decision. It was ten years coming. And it was the right one, damn it. It's done and it will be good. Positive thinking. Right. On the other hand, I do want to say that my friends and family have all been amazing and supportive and helpful. I do feel loved and supported. I can't think of a non trite way to say that. It shows me that when you ask for help, you can usually get it. I feel so helpless but I don't feel alone. And that makes it much easier to get through this. Last night as I was waiting for the clock to tick by so I could get my next pain dose, I was hugging the bear that my cousin gave me. Actually, it was my niece, Ayla. So thanks Ayla. The pic is of him sitting at the computer. Hopefully in a few hours, I'll have something great to report. And I'll go back and post that long post about the blood transfusions. My parents are bringing in my computer so I can blog more. It helps. Even if no one is reading it, it helps me to just vent and share. So please keep the comments and email and calls coming. And I will call back when I can. If you can deal with the craziness of the hospital and my really, really, really, bad hair days (haven't washed for a week) , I do like visitors as well. --Janet