Thoughts on THE DAY BEFORE. . .

Well, long time no post. Here's what you missed: a whole string of anxiety ridden posts. Should I do it? Is it too early? Is this the right kind of joint for me? Is this the right of doctor? Is my timing good? Will I come out completely crippled? Etc. etc. in other words -- the usual. But here I am, the day before surgery. And I would say my mood today is the combination of scared and optimistic with a healthy dose of frazzled. My parents came to town last night and we (including Cesa) spent the day together. The weather couldn't have been better. It's been pretty cold here for those not living in San Francisco. At least for us. I mean -- it has been down to freezing. That's legitimately cold, right? But yesterday couldn't have been a more beautiful day. The sun was shining and I was tempted to walk around in a short sleeve shirt and shorts, but it was still in the 60s and I was with my mom who would've worried :-) we went out to restaurants and drove around. Today it's kind of gray outside. That's okay because I still have a lot of errandy things to do. Lately I've been thinking about how my life will improve. I will be able to walk without pain. I will be able to hike and bike. In other words, I will be able to do things that I've only dreamed about doing the last several years. Actually, it was a conversation I had a few weeks ago with a wonderful woman who had her knee replaced earlier this year. She's in her early 50s and very athletic. She said she just wishes she had done it before. I've now heard that from a lot of people. But when she told me that she was going to do the AIDS ride I actually started tearing up and crying. It wasn't until that moment that it really hit me: I might actually be able to do these things again. I might actually be able to take those long bike rides through the Presidio or across the Golden Gate Bridge -- or just in my neighborhood. I also had my lower back checked out because it's been hurting a lot. And the doctor thought it was really connected with my knee. It makes a lot of sense. For 35 years I've been lifting things the "wrong" way. So of course, my back is hurting. I felt so relieved that it wasn't something else. So that was also good news. I'm hoping that knee surgery also helps my back. Anyhow, I've told everyone that if I can ride my bike again, you basically won't get me off of it. I went through a phase a year and a half ago where I was riding my bike to work. It was exhilarating and invigorating, especially riding down Market Street and dodging all the cars. But after a few rides, my knee really blew up. And I realized I couldn't do this anymore. So, these are the things that are floating through my head today. I haven't been sleeping very well. But I'm still feeling okay. I'm hoping that I can get a spinal rather than undergo general anesthesia. I know it was 35 years ago, but I got so sick from it that I can't imagine doing it again. Anyhow, I'm going to end this rambling post and then I'm going to post the details for those who want to cut to the chase. Please forgive all my speakos here. And please forgive my rabid self-centeredness. I sort of giving myself permission to be completely self obsessed right now. But hopefully, I will get over myself after surgery :-) (The picture is a current pic of my knee. Pretty cool scars, eh? I'll have cooler ones soon.) Over and out for now -- Janet